I Was Face-Fucked By Bubble Tea

So there I was, walking down Johnson Street, blissfully carefree and happy. I had just signed up for a knitting class at the Beehive Wool Shop, purchased some embroidery supplies from the Button & Needlework Boutique, and was homeward bound. It was unseasonably warm (even for Victoria), and I was having a great day. That's when a poster in the window caught my eye. It was in the window of a small Chinese restaurant, and proclaimed "We have Bubble Tea!"

"Bubble tea. Hmmm. That's the stuff Jess loves. I should give it a try."

Big mistake.

Now, I wasn't sure what this "bubble tea" was exactly. In fact, I didn't have a danged clue. I was on a crafty high from the textile explorations, however, which naturally leaves me feeling pretty adventurous and, dare I say, a little naughty. I went in, ordered a strawberry flavored bubble tea, and handed over a 5 dollar bill. In return, the lady handed me a big plastic cup that was filled with a pale pink goo, that had a straw jammed into the top of it. I say "jammed" because this thing looked big enough to harpoon whales - fat whales.

"Huh. So this is the famous bubble tea. Ok...I guess it's the taste that makes it famous."

Once back on the street, I continued my walk home. The sun was shining, the hippies were busking, and I was feeling like I belonged. And why not? I was taking classes, starting projects, and now I was drinking bubble tea, just like the locals.

Then I took a sip.

"Strawberry. At least, I think it's strawberry. It's actually kind of bland."

I took another sip.

"Well, at least it's cold, and I am pretty thir - GENTLE JESUS WHAT THE HELL!?!?"

Something had shot out of the straw, into my mouth, and down my throat!

I looked at the drink warily, while trying not to panic and/or vomit on the street. Much to my horror, I could see now that the entire bottom half of the damned thing was filled with little - things.

"Ok, ok, Don't panic! I think they're supposed to be there. Just act nonchalant and try another sip. People are looking!"

Ew. Just...ew.

It was a gelatinous blob. A chewy, tasteless gelatinous blob. I couldn't spit it out, so I chewed. And chewed. And chewed some more, until I had tricked my esophagus into swallowing the damned thing.

I managed to nut up and kept drinking/eating it, mostly to see if it was simply the initial shock of being unwillingly face-fucked that had grossed me out. Nope. Everything about the bubble tea had grossed me out. I ended up dumping it, once I realized I couldn't suck around the chunky bits and just drink the bland strawberry goo.

I may never try anything new again.


  1. Oh God... Bubble Tea... So freakish. It's like tapioca gone horribly horribly wrong... and tapioca isn't all the right to begin with :P

  2. The name makes it sound so much fun, too! It sounds like something pixies might serve at their birthday parties, but it's more like encountering an Alien face hugger.


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