So THAT'S what the H stands for!

I was not online at all yesterday. Trust me, this was not from a lack of effort on my part. Stupid dial-up refused to dial-up. After many failed attempts and much checking of wires, I sat back and tried to relax. After a short period of extremely tense relaxation attempts, I calmly stood up, and began flinging furniture around the room.

Now, I do try to keep things in perspective - looking on the bright side, looking for the silver lining, singing in the rain, and all kinds of phooey crap like that (hey, I didn't say I try very hard). After just a few short minutes of intense teeth-grinding in the aftermath of the furniture-flinging, I realized that something positive did come out of the whole mucky situation - I now have many more curses at my disposal. I've discovered fresh new combinations of ordinary swear words that were already floating around in the pejorative language center of my brain - Cunting fuck Christ! Motherbitching hellfuck! Horny Jesus! Dick shitters! Shitfrigging pussy lips! I've given the names of common household objects the status of being profane language - Toast crap! Paint fuck! Buggering bag of lightbulbs! Lampshit!

Seriously though, I did move a lot of furniture around. Mom wanted the loveseat moved down the hall and into the newly de-cluttered (Halle-toastin'-lujah!) spare room. That was fun, let me tell you. Oh, the fun I had. Epic poems shall be written about the amount of enjoyment I received while dragging/shoving/lifting that paintfucking loveseat across the house. I did it though. It's nestled snugly in it's new home. I certainly hope it likes it back there, because I'm never touching the lampshitting thing again.

There was all kinds of empty space left in the living room after The Loveseat Incident took place. I rearranged the remaining furniture and then put up the Christmas tree. She smelled funny, but I guess that's what being trapped inside a cardboard box for 11 months does to Christmas trees. I sprayed her with air freshener, and she now stands (and smells) majestically in our living room. I named her Treena: Queen of the Christmas Trees, Defender of Colored Lights and Protector of the Sacred Candy Canes.

Have I mentioned all the free time I have on my hands?

1 comment:

  1. LMAO!

    We now need to ammend Carlin's Incomplete list of Impolite words...

    Horny Jesus...Love it!

    Also, Lampshit - Brilliant!


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